| DISCLAIMER : Its late and due to my insomnia, I'm up and contemplating the meaning of my life. Read my ramblings at your own risk. Its probably long and boring, and not of interest to most people. People that care will read everything, some will skim through and act as though they read something, and other won't bother because their are no pictures to fill up this entry. I could care less either way. I write for myself and nobody else. Well, its been 10 months since I've been here. (little less than a year) but time has flown by so fast. When I look back at it all, its been quite an interesting journey. I couldn't actually tell you what' I've been doing in the past 10 months that I’ve been here. A lot of it, is just trying to make sense of myself, what I'm passionate about, and deciphering if this is even the right path for me, or... if I was mistaken. I know in some odd way that the universe put me here for a reason or at least I want to believe that there's some purpose to this and not just a waste of limited time. I must find the silver lining in this or I lose all sense of hope for myself. -------BREAKDOWN ------ JOBS: What the hell do I want to do with the rest of my life?? My $20,000 investment AKA my degree : I spent 6 years in college. I double majored in Marketing and Management (Human Resource) and took a minor in Public relations. I came out here determined to find a job in one of these fields. I landed countless interviews, a few job offers but I think the turning point was the disappointment in not receiving a clear answer on one perspective job. I think it made me a little sour on the whole corporate scheme of things. How do you offer someone a job that doesn't exist? (Damn u BCBG MAX AZRIA) NO...I'm not bitter, maybe just a little. I think after that, I scrapped the whole corporate route and tried something I never had any intentions on pursuing. FAME: The thing with LA is that no matter what field, job, or person you maybe, everybody that lives in this city has some idealized vision of being famous. Everybody here thinks that they’re destined for fame, or maybe , just maybe…this is their lucky break. You get sucked into Hollywood and spit so fast out that every dream you had prior to it…is crushed. Welcome to the glamorous life of Los Angeles, California -- where the rich gets richer, the attractive girls get more plastic surgery and well, the modest dreamer dreams of being a part of this world someday. Everybody that I have meet here has been aspiring actors or actress. I always ask them, when do you finally give in and say, as much as this is my dream, its just not going to happen for me. You may think you are hot stuff and talented, but if others don’t, you are screwed. Am I skeptical? Pessimistic? No.. I’m just trying to make sense of things. I don’t want to say that I’m giving up, but what will it take for you to give up something that you know you may never attain. Have faith right? Faith can only take you so far. It can keep you going, or give you the means to get there but in reality ..you may never actually reach it. Its called blind faith, and I don’t know that I believe in it or how much I’m willing to put my years on the line for it. So, on to Plan C. Oh wait, I haven’t come up with an Plan C yet. I’m doomed, my life is a sham! … SOLITUDE: As much as I love myself, and try to keep busy, there are times where it just kills me to be alone. My days are filled with shopping, eating, dance class, running, working, walking on the beaches, going to museums, festivals, or events around town, and the occasional hanging out with friends. Then I go home, enclosed in my box, I sit here and stare at empty walls, pictures of distant laughter and I can’t help but shed a tear for the decisions that I’ve made. I keep busy to keep my mind off of things but late at night, when the insomnia kicks in, and I’ve run out of people to talk to, I feel empty -- really really empty inside. Its too quiet. I hate it. I love when people visit but at the same time, I hate it. You get used to the loneliness and you’re fine. I can honesty deal with myself and be just fine. Then all of sudden, you remember how much fun it is to have people around that you truly enjoy. But then….Quicker than lightning, they shatter like glass and your whole world is stripped from you in an unspeakable wrath and you‘re left re-copping with yourself and only… yourself. LOVE, SETTLING and the infamous “THE ONE!” (I’m so bored I actually read the article!) : After weeks of insisting I read this, I did. [ Reference : http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry ] What do I think? I’m going to try to keep this short and sweet. To me, settling means that you have failed to find the perfect person. You gave up, and started feeling sorry for yourself and in turn, pick up the next random nice guy because you didn’t want to be by yourself. You started believing in this BS notion of settling when you know you can always do better and find better. There is ALWAYS better out there. Don’t settle! Hold your cards high and bet it all, at the risk of being alone. However I do believe that there are more than one perfect person out there for you. Perfection is defined to me as -- someone you can see yourself with, grow old with, raise kids with, someone you can communicate with, argue with, and at the end of the day, still manage to sleep in the same bed with each other. If you can’t do this, you really shouldn’t be together. Life’s too short to be miserable. With any relationship, nothing is unbreakable. Keep in mind that the person you love today, you could hate tomorrow. It maybe days, weeks, or even years, but people change over time. The person you know right now may not be the same person 10 years from now. To think, that there’s only one person out there is ridiculous. If I’m not feeling it 10 years from now, I am finding Mr. Better than you. I’m a cynic. I don’t believe in settling nor do I believe in the all encompassing TRUE LOVE! Love me now, hate me later, if I’m not happy with you, ill be happy with someone else. So, who wants to marry me now? THINGS I”VE LEARNED LIVING IN CALIFORNIA: - love yourself, if you don’t nobody will - If you don’t know how to parallel park here, you got to learn to walk far. I’m a pro now at parallel parking cuz walking in heels is NOT fun. - I hate pedestrians when I drive, and I hate cars when I walk. - Dry cleaning is expensive. - I really love Easy Mac - Don’t eat spoiled food, it really does make you sick. Convincing yourself that mold is just penicillin is stupid. =X - The meaning of true friends, and who they are. - independence, perseverance, hard work and determination THE SUN’S RISING To those who read everything I wrote, kudos to you. Remind me to give you a cookie next time I see you. You probably think I’m depressed, lonely, cynical and aloof to life. In reality, I’m just tired, bored, slightly grumpy and I think my PMS is kicking in. Tomorrow’s a new day and I’ll be all smiles. Don’t worry, I’m still the same cheerful Liz. So without further adieu, Goodnight! Sleep well. |
